Recovering Fatty
by kitkat681
Summary: A look into the journal of Bella Swan as she guides Edward through his weight loss journey.  BPOV from 'Fatty'.  Rated M for fantasy lemons and dirty girl thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

**Bella decided she wanted to be heard. Think of these as diary entries. They go along with the flow of 'Fatty' and just give you a little bit of what Bella is thinking. There will be some longer chapters as to what happened between Bella and Jake before Edward arrived the night of the 'roid rage incident as well as what went down when Bella went to the gym to check on Jake. And of course I know you all want to know what Bella thought of Edward wacking it in the shower. **

**All in good time **

**But please enjoy this for now. **

**I didn't have anyone look at this…so blame me for any errors. **

He reminded me of…me.

The horrible self-image that threatened to drown him.

The fear and anger that surrounded him.

The tears after he realized just how much he weighed.

I had to help him.

*()*()*

Every workout with him is an exercise in self-control.

I want to hold him when he fails, and wrap my arms around him when he succeeds.

But that would be crossing a line.

*()*()*

Jake is like a dog with a bone.

He wants to take me out.

His compliments and sweet words are addictive.

I just wish they were coming from someone else.

*()*()*

I'm scared for Edward.

This business trip could go one of two ways.

He will either knock their socks off and it will open doors for him.

Or…

He'll fail.

I'm not sure which I'm hoping for.

Because if he does well, it's only a matter of time until he doesn't need me anymore.

And then where will I be?

*()*()*

Standing in front of my closet, the only way I can get excited is imagining I'm going out with Edward instead of with Jake.

So I don't get dressed up to impress Jake…

I put on a skirt and think of the way Edward's bright green eyes would linger on the bare skin of my leg.

The flush on my cheeks when I answer the door for Jake has nothing to do with him…

And everything to do with the fantasy of long, pale fingers slipping beneath my skirt.

*()*()*

He just doesn't see just how amazing he looks.

His shoulders are wide and I can just imagine what it would be like to be under him as his big body trembles and moves.

And seeing the pain on his face when he realized I had a date nearly killed me.

It's his name on my lips when my vibrator is getting me off.

But it's Jake's hand on my back as we enter the restaurant.

I just hope he won't try to kiss me.

*()*()*

Jake's lips are thin and rough.

His breath is awful.

I cried myself to sleep, knowing I had to stop things with him before it went too far.

It also doesn't help that I want someone else.

**So there ya go. That takes us up through chapter seven. We'll get to see Bella's reaction to Edward leaving the club with that skank and then what exactly happened with Jake. **

**See you soon!**


	2. Chapter 2

**More? This starts up right where we left off...chapter eight.**

My stomach has been in knots ever since Jake told me about what he had planned for Edward.

He wanted to get him some action.

At a bar.

Where there are copious amounts of cheap alcohol and a bunch of drunk skanks looking to get laid.

I'm not sure I'll survive if he leaves with one of them.

*()*()*

Jake was laughing as he held my hair back while I gagged and yacked into the toilet.

His words echo in my head even now.

"You just can't hold your liquor, Bella."

Not why I was puking my guts out, you idiot.

He left with her.

While Jake's hands wandered across my belly, and his unimpressive erection pressed into my hip, I watched as Edward walked out hand in hand with…her.

"She's a sure thing," Jake had whispered in my ear.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize how he knew that.

His hands tightened around me when I tried to move toward the door.

"Come on, Bella. He's a big boy," he'd laughed.

But he's not.

He's my sweet Edward, and he's in over his head.

I had to force Jake out the door after I'd emptied the contents of my stomach.

And then I hid under the covers and cried.

*()*()*

It took all of my willpower not to ask about what he did with _her._

For all he knows, I went home and had wild doggy sex with Jake.

Yuck.

I'm not giving him any clues about my feelings.

So how would he know how hurt I am?

*()*()*

Jake is changing right before my eyes.

I can see the way the drugs are affecting him, but every time I approach him about it, he changes the subject.

I'm scared.

He's not the guy who came in weighing 400 pounds, but could still laugh at himself.

Now he's different.

And I need to do something soon…before he hurts someone.

**We're in the middle of chapter nine right now. Jake and Edward are heading to the bar and Bella is about to have 'the talk' with Jake. **

**Not sure when I'll get another one of these out…but you all seem to be enjoying it.**

**Bella did keep a journal while she was undergoing her own weight loss journey, and she will be sharing pieces of that with Edward during 'Fatty' in some upcoming chapters…but you will get to see the excerpts in their entirety here.**

**Thank you…**

**You have no idea how much you all mean to me.**


	3. Chapter 3

**This starts off as Bella is leaving Alice's after Girl's night with Alice and Rose. Jake has already left Edward in the parking lot…**

I had been getting into my car, ready to leave Alice's, when my phone rang.

The second I saw Jake's smiling face come up with the caller ID, I knew something had happened.

"Bella…I need you, baby. That douche-fucker left me at the bar."

The demanding edge to his tone had scared me, but I couldn't just ignore him.

Then, the fear in Edward's voice had been even more alarming.

I could hear him yelling for me as I ended the call and opened the door for Jake, but one look at his angry expression pushed all thoughts from my head.

Who was this person?

His thick fingers dug into the flesh of my arms as he shoved me back against the wall.

"You're fucking him, aren't you? That fatty? You're giving it up to him but you wouldn't put out for me," he snarled, his breath fetid and hot against my face.

I had never been as scared of someone in my entire life.

And then Edward came in, with that devastated expression as he saw Jake's unyielding grip on me.

I could feel myself falling a little more for him as he let Jake pull him from the house, his eyes holding mine, making sure I was okay.

I couldn't downplay my feelings…even though I was petrified.

I just had to accept that I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Edward Cullen.

And I was scared to death.

*()*()*

He pulled at his hair as he yelled and reprimanded me.

I could tell he wasn't so much angry at me…he was angry at his helplessness.

But when he opened his heart to me…I couldn't hold the tears in anymore.

He shouldn't care about me…shouldn't want me.

I didn't deserve him.

*()*()*

The dream came…I knew it would.

After the drama with Jake and then Edward's reassuring words and gentle hands, those haunted memories wouldn't be held at bay.

_The knock on the door was loud and ominous._

_I could see the squad car parked at the curb as I opened the door to two of my father's deputies._

_My knees shook as I waited for them to speak…to change my life forever._

"_I'm so sorry, Bella. He was hit by a drunk driver out on the 101."_

_I looked down as he extended his hand…and started to scream._

_Because instead of holding my father's badge, as it had happened in real life…resting in his palm was Edward's driver's license._

*()*()*

With the light of day came an overwhelming sense of responsibility to Jake.

I know I need to go talk to him…explain things and try to get him help.

But it was agony to leave a sleep-rumpled Edward in my bed.

The lingering fear from my dream confused me.

But I would have time to worry about that later.

Jake was already up and running on the treadmill when I got there…and he didn't look happy.

"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?"

The fact that he was able to say it with a smile made me feel less like a flaming bitch as I pulled him into my office and handed him the brochures for different treatment facilities.

"You know I can't afford this shit. And who would take care of my dad?"

He resented taking the money from me, but there was no other option.

I couldn't let him continue with the steroids.

He had hurt me the night before…and hurt other people.

I couldn't see him go to jail because of something he did while under the influence of those damn drugs.

And what good was money if you couldn't help the people you cared about?

*()*()*

My old journals sit…waiting for me.

Within those pages are my deepest fears and greatest insecurities.

I'm hoping that by going through them again, I can see how far I've come.

And maybe feel worthy of Edward.

Maybe.

**Do you keep a journal? Have you ever looked back at how confused and emotion you can be?**

**Bella is the same way. She loves him…but she's not good enough. She wants him…but doesn't think she's worthy.**

**She'll work through it.**

**Next time…flashbacks.**

**Thanks!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Yep…its shower time. Whose ready?**

* * *

><p>What have I done?<p>

I told myself not to push him.

I knew he needed time.

And now I may have fucked up everything.

But what the hell was I supposed to do when I found him in the shower?

Naked…

Wet…

Stroking…

Gah!

I shouldn't have opened the door.

I knew he was in there…

Naked.

I mean, who showers with their clothes on?

But then I heard that sound.

That deep, raspy moan.

And I knew what he was doing.

And I wanted to see.

So God help me, I pushed open the door.

His scent was thick in the air, that mix of sweat and spice and just…Edward-y goodness that had teased me for months.

And now that smell was in _my_ bathroom.

The water droplets on the curtain obscured my vision slightly, but it was still easy to see his form.

And what a form.

His arms and legs were thick with power and his shoulders and chest were so broad.

His belly was still there and the spare tire around his waist, but he looked good.

Fuck that…he looked amazing.

His legs were spread wide, his weight evenly distributed between them.

His one arm was braced on the wall in front of him while the other…

The other was moving in a hypnotic motion back and forth.

His hand…his big hand was grasping his cock tightly…oh so tightly.

I must have made a noise, because he suddenly turned his face toward me, resting his cheek on his up stretched arm.

I couldn't meet his eyes, not because I was ashamed, but because I couldn't bring myself to look away from that thick head that peeked out from beneath his palm.

When he started stroking himself again, I could have come right there.

He didn't abuse it, like the guys do in porn.

Instead he squeezed tightly and slowly moved his palm up and down, torturing me with every stroke.

When the pressure between my thighs got too great I had to move, searching for friction.

And that was when it happened.

His jaw clenched so tightly, I could see the muscles move beneath his skin.

His whole body locked down, muscles popping left and right, in places I didn't even know he had muscles yet.

And then the crowning glory, the pulsing stream that hit the shower wall.

God how I wished it had been me he was marking instead of my tile.

I was a woman possessed then, whipping off my shirt like a slut and ordering him around.

My heart was beating like a humming bird in my chest as I tossed my clothes off and scurried beneath the covers.

And then I waited.

And waited.

"Bella?"

I could tell by the sound of my name leaving his lips that I had messed up.

The defeated look in his eye and the way he shoved his hands into his pockets made me feel even worse.

We both needed to work on things…

I just hope I could keep my libido in check until then.

**Next up…the whole love debacle and her running away.**

**See you tomorrow for more Fatty (if FF cooperates)**


	5. Chapter 5

**This is chapter 13- 15 of Fatty as told through Bella's journal.**

**A recap for you…this is when she kinda brushed him off after he said he loved her and then she went running in the woods. She gave him her journal and he read about her past relationships (remember, he was still carrying his V-card until he met Bella)**

* * *

><p><em>You wouldn't be the girl I love if you didn't push me hard, Bella.<em>

His words run round and round in my head.

Ever since he said them in the middle of our workout, my brain has been going overtime.

I was ready to try and give him a chance.

Let him see the old me through the words of my journals.

But now he says he loves me.

He loves me?

How the hell can he love me?

How can someone love you when you don't love yourself?

And right now, I'm barley tolerating myself.

Love?

No…

And as much as it hurts, as much as I _want_ to love him, the smartest thing to do is just push him away.

Push, Bella.

It might hurt at first but he deserves someone better.

*()*()*

I should have known he wouldn't let me walk away.

He is stubborn to a fault.

Looking down at him, as he wiped away the mud and blood from my bare feet, I felt my insides shift.

My lungs moved aside so there was more room in my heart for him.

Because as much as I don't deserve it…

He loves me.

I love him

And pushing him away will only hurt us both.

*()*()*

Seeing my old journal, the written proof of all the pain and humiliation I suffered is surreal.

But there will be no moving forward if we don't look back first.

I sometimes forget Edward is a virgin, but the way his cheeks flush as he reads my words is an obvious reminder.

Not that he's ever really said the words, but a girl can tell.

I hope I wasn't too graphic.

Lord knows there wasn't really anything to write home about.

But still.

If _he _was the experienced one, I would hate to read about his first time.

I would hate to _think_ about his first time.

As a matter of fact, I think I'd cut any bitch who ever touched him.

*()*()*

Oh, he's in for a world of hurt.

Does he think he can get snarky with me?

Momma's gonna make him run till he pukes.

I should be watching my stopwatch, but I can't seem to take my eyes off of Edward.

He is so determined and focused as he sprints around the track, his legs pumping wildly to keep up with the pace I've set.

If I don't find a way to get his anger out, I'm afraid I may have to find a punching bag for him.

"That's it! You're done." My words seem to break him out of his funk, and I try not to laugh as he stumbles over to where I'm standing.

He's pissed…he's so pissed, but I refuse to let him get to me.

I'm prepared to stand my ground, but the next thing I know, he's got his hands holding my face and his lips are on mine.

The kiss is powerful and sensual at the same time.

He's all but eating me alive.

But I love it.

* * *

><p><strong>I will continue these little journal outtakes through the rest of Fatty. Be patient...it's hard to go back and remember what the hell happened! Should I have done this as I wrote Fatty? Absolutely! But I'm an idiot...you should know this by now!<strong>

**Fatty will update tomorrow...last regular chapter.  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 17 of Fatty... Edward's nightmare about Bella kissing another man and then him taking a nosedive after reading about her losing her virginity.  
><strong>

**Poor Edward...  
><strong>

* * *

><p>How can something so mundane and boring be so perfect?<p>

Edward is washing the dishes and I'm drying them.

And I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl.

Could life _be _any more perfect?

"You want to watch a movie?" he asks, and I realize that yes…life could be more perfect.

*()*()*

My body is jostled awake with the force of Edward's nightmare.

I can feel the fear and distress poring off of him as I drape myself across his back, trying to comfort him.

And then, as he lets go and tells me about his dream, I want to cry.

My gentle hearted man is having such a hard time reading about my past.

But I really feel that we can't move forward until he looks back.

Maybe this was a mistake.

*()*()*

There is a broken man sitting on my couch.

And I'm not talking about his sprained knee and wet, dirty clothes.

Something has changed.

And it has to do with me.

I sit next to him gently, curling tightly against him.

The tears streaming down his cheeks are my undoing.

The truth slips free, unbidden.

"I love you, Edward."

The fact that he is so stunned, shocks me.

Of course I love him.

How could I not?

* * *

><p><strong>Aw...<strong>

**I'm going to be stringing several of Edward's chapters together with Bella's journal entries, so don't get excited thinking there will be like...30 more chapters. Maybe 10 or so...  
><strong>

**What happens next? Oh yeah...Edward gets laid :)  
><strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapters 19-21**

**Sexy times...  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Oh God, he's ready.<p>

But am I ready?

Did I shave my legs this morning?

What a stupid thing to be worried about, but I want this to be perfect.

I try to put my own insecurities out of my mind as I grab the box of brand new condoms from inside the nightstand and toss them on the bed.

I should really go on birth control, but I didn't want to jinx things.

I focus on Edward and push my own insecurities away, because he seems just as spacey as I am.

He needs reassurance that he's the one and only one I want.

I can understand that.

I won't lie and say I'm not absolutely thrilled that I'm Edward's first.

The power that comes from knowing I'm the only girl he's ever kissed is overwhelming.

But so is the responsibility of bringing him into this world of sex and love.

He needs me to reassure him.

My moans and wriggling encourage him as he explores my breasts through my bra.

I'm not quite ready to take it off yet, my boobs look so much better all strapped up than they do floating free.

I wish my panties were something sexier, but the way his eyes linger on the gray cotton makes me feel like I'm wearing silk and lace.

The first time I feel his body above mine is something I will never forget.

His strength and the width of his shoulders makes me feel small and delicate.

I can't help but laugh silently as he fumbles with the clasp of my bra, but when he slips the supportive fabric away from my body, all amusement is gone.

His kindness and sensitivity is overwhelming as he gently cups my breasts, bringing his lips down to worship them.

My love for him is fathomless.

I'd seen him bare before.

In the shower.

I'd seen his cock.

But for some reason it looked bigger now.

The thick, long shaft arching up toward his belly.

The tip, already shiny from the pre-come that had slipped free.

I couldn't wait to feel it inside me.

Sitting astride him, I knew he was close to the edge, but I just had to feel that hard ridge of flesh against my pussy.

But one little glide was all it took for him.

I knew he was embarrassed, but I also knew I had never seen anything as sexy as Edward Cullen's o face.

"Are you ready for round two?"

His hands are gentle as he flips me over and I love that there is laughter in our bed.

Lips and teeth explore me and I should be worried about what he thinks of my nether regions after seeing nothing but porn pussy for years, but I can't.

All I can do is feel.

But it's not enough.

His lips and teeth and tongue are too gentle.

I need him inside.

Condom in my hand, I tap into my sex ed banana/condom experience and slide it on him.

He is _much_ bigger than that banana.

His entire body trembles as he grabs my leg.

"Do it, Edward. Make me yours," I whisper, knowing he needs a little push.

And then, as if he had been doing it for years, he slides inside.

My back arches, instinctually trying to get away from the overwhelming pressure.

Fuck, he's big.

The joy and laughter we share only adds to the intimacy.

I didn't expect to come.

But he's adamant.

His fingers apply just the right amount of pressure and the way he feels filling me is perfect.

I can't even be embarrassed by the sounds coming out of my mouth as I orgasm.

It feels so good.

But holding him close as he comes inside me…

That felt even better.

*()*()*

The morning after was something out of a dream.

His sweetness is so refreshing.

I know it's not smart to tempt the fates, but I _just_ had my period.

I'm sure it will be safe.

And I need to feel him inside me without that protective barrier.

As I grind myself down on him, searching for completion, what pushes me over the edge is the thought of carrying his child.

And as I feel him explode inside me, I may have said a prayer that it happens sooner rather than later.

**So even way back then, Bella wanted Fattyward's baby.**

**More coming soon.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapters 22-24**

* * *

><p>Oh…my…God.<p>

Riley.

They way Edward's looking at him and then at me, I know he's figured out who Riley is.

And he looks heartbroken.

All the insecurities I always felt when I was with Riley come rushing back as he starts talking about the good old days.

They weren't good.

They were decent.

What we had was nothing compared to what I have with Edward.

Edward and I have a once in a lifetime love.

We have a fairy tale love.

But as Riley hugs me goodbye, he whispers in my ear.

"Nice job with the fatty. He'll never complain when you start chunking up again."

His hand strays down my back and I wiggle out of his embrace before he can grab my ass.

He's _such_ a dick.

But over the next few days, I take a good, hard look at Edward.

He really is an amazing guy.

He's attractive and sweet and loving.

And I'm not the only one who notices.

"That big guy that comes in…the one with the wild hair, is he single?"

I'm starting to regret hiring Kate.

"No. He's mine."

I hate the way she looks me up and down, as if insinuating I'm not good enough for him.

Bitch.

*()*()*

My hand is shaking so badly I can barely get the pills out of the bottle.

I know this is a stupid idea.

But I'm scared.

I'm scared of losing him.

I'm scared of not being enough.

So I swallow the pill and wait for it to work.

Because the thought of being without Edward…

Is torture.

*()*()*

My emotions are everywhere, and I know I'm scaring Edward.

The pills are making me jittery and messing with my moods.

But I can't stop taking them.

Jake's friend said if I can get through the first two weeks of side effects, the weight will start to come off.

And if I can get down to a size six…well, there is no way Edward would leave me if I looked that good.

*()*()*

I can't do it.

I'm eight miles into the half-marathon and I realize there is no way I can finish.

I'm such a disappointment.

I feel even worse when Edward catches up to me.

He's so scared, I can see it in his face, but if I tell him why I'm so overheated, he'll be mad.

He can't find out.

*()*()*

I've never been so proud.

Edward runs across the finish line and instantly searches for me.

His smile is breathtaking as he kneels down and hugs me.

If I wasn't already head over heels in love with him…I would have fallen that instant.

**More coming soon.**

**And just so you know…I finished the last chapter of Fatty. It should post this weekend.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 25 through most of chapter 28**

* * *

><p>Being pampered by Edward was amazing.<p>

His sweet, gentle hands made me feel protected and worthy.

I could just imagine standing at the door and watching him tuck our children in, years from now.

And with Alice's secret bouncing around in my head, the thought of having Edward's baby was overwhelming.

I wanted it…and soon.

Waiting for him to get home from the gym was torturous.

But I pass the time in a warm, bubbly bath.

Until everything changes.

The look on his face as he burst through the door scared me.

He was furious.

And hurt.

The bottle of pills and pregnancy test sit in his palm and I realize I'm caught.

I wanted to tell him I was scared I might lose him.

I wanted to tell him I wished I _was_ pregnant.

I wanted to tell him…

But he wouldn't let me.

His anger clouded everything.

And for a moment I was worried he might actually leave me.

Naked and scared, I knelt with my face pressed against the door and wept.

Knowing my own insecurities might have driven away the only man I would ever love.

*()*()*

When I felt the warmth of a towel wrap around my back, I looked up, praying it would be Edward.

But it was Alice.

"Let's get you dressed," she said, the sadness and disappointment blatant in her stare.

I was messing up left and right, not only with Edward but with the people that trusted me.

"He called me and asked me to come over," Alice whispered as she slipped one of Edward's long-sleeved shirts over my head.

Smelling his scent on the fabric made the tears start once more.

That and realizing even as angry as he was, he was still taking care of me.

Trying to explain to Alice why I went so far as to endanger my health to lose some weight was hard.

Realizing Edward heard the whole thing was worse.

Now he can see just how broken I am.

Now he knows that I'm not worthy of him.

As he accepts me into his arms, I apologize over and over.

His whispered words of love and forgiveness go a long way to comfort me.

But I know he's right…we have a lot of work to do.

*()*()*

Dr. Banner is a sadist hiding in a tweed jacket.

The way he coerced Edward into revealing his darkest fears was like watching a fishermen fight to pull a fish from the water.

Everyone came out a little worse for wear, but the victor was the one holding the prize.

My laughter is my cloak of invisibility.

If I'm laughing then he can't hurt me.

Right?

When those all-knowing eyes turn on me, I swallow hard.

I'm the fish now.

*()*()*

With Kate safely away from my man, I try and relax.

Jake is comfortably settled among friends once more and Edward has officially moved into my place.

Life is good.

Until it's not.

**You may notice Bella slips from one tense to another. Forgive her. She is just writing down thoughts as they happen. **

**I was hoping to get Fatty up this weekend, but I didn't get the chapter to Melanie, and her weekend and Monday are INSANE! Hopefully I can get my ass in gear and get it to her for a Wednesday update.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Last half of Chapter 28 - Chapter 29**

* * *

><p>Sitting across from Edward, watching him nervously spin the coffee cup around in front of him, I already know what's happening.<p>

He's dumping me.

I should have seen it coming.

After all the shit with my insecurities and drama, he _should _want to leave me.

I just didn't realize how much it would hurt.

The promotion would be a wonderful way for him to start a new life.

He could go somewhere no one knows he's a recovering fatty.

He could meet someone who isn't bogged down with negative self-worth and a fat ass.

He could…

As he kneels down in front of me, all I can see is the hope and love shining in his eyes.

Listening to his words, I can hear his sincerity.

He loves me.

He wants me.

I can't stop myself from jumping into his arms, sending us careening to the ground.

But he broke my fall, keeping me safe.

Like he always will.

And then…my world got even better when he asked me to marry him.

Was it perfect, lying there on a dirty diner floor?

Hell no.

But it was us, and that was all that mattered.

***()*()***

As the months pass and he still hasn't gotten me a ring or talked about the wedding, I start to lose hope.

Maybe he changed his mind.

He's getting the milk for free…so why would he want to buy the cow?

And it seems all I can do is cry anymore.

***()*()***

Watching Alice get her nursery ready is like a knife through my heart.

Edward hasn't said anything about wanting kids.

Even after he found the pregnancy test, we never really discussed having babies.

I want them…so badly.

But does he?

Will he still want me when I'm pregnant and fat, with varicose veins and hemorrhoids?

Our visit to Dr. Banner does little to calm my fears.

I can tell Edward feels better, but I don't.

The only thing that makes me feel better is hearing those words from Edward's mouth.

"_We need to set a date and get a ring and book a chapel or whatever we need to do to get the ball rolling on this. I want you to be mine, in the eyes of God and the law and whoever else makes the rules. I love you, Bella Swan. Forever."_

And it was then that I realized our happily ever after might just come true.

**SO…the Fatty 5k is on Sunday. I have the little epi/outtake all ready. I will TRY very hard to also have the last chapter of this done on Sunday. See you then.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 30-the Epi and beyond...**

* * *

><p>I can't stop looking at my ring.<p>

It's so perfectly me.

And the fact that Edward knew exactly what to get, makes me extraordinarily happy.

The wedding is getting close and my moods are all over the place.

I feel like such a girl, trying on my dress and picking flowers.

The day is going to be perfect.

Except for someone to walk me down the aisle.

But as soon as I tell Edward about it, he has solved the dilemma.

Jake is strong enough to hold me up when I want to run to my handsome groom standing at the end of the aisle.

It is so hard to keep my secret inside, knowing how happy the news will make Edward.

But seeing the tearful smile on his face when I finally do tell him I'm pregnant…

There are no words.

*()*()*

Two weeks after the wedding, I get out of bed and feel weird.

Seeing the blood on the toilet paper was devastating.

Seeing it month after month was torture.

All I wanted to do was give my husband a child.

And I couldn't.

As if I needed to fail at something else.

*()*()*

Sitting in the car, knowing Edward is semi-kidnapping me, I still find it hard to get excited.

We should have a car seat in the back by now.

I should be covered in baby throw-up and poop.

But I'm not.

There are no gentle flutters inside me as our child stretches and grows.

There is nothing.

And it's my fault.

*()*()*

How Edward managed to make the outside world disappear, I'll never know.

His dominance and strength was what I needed to find myself again.

We _will_ get pregnant.

And if we don't…well, I know Edward will move heaven and earth to get us a baby.

*()*()*

I'm pregnant.

It took forever, but I'm pregnant.

Those little kicks and nudges are more amazing than I thought possible.

I'm _growing_ our child.

And watching Edward kiss and snuggle my ever-expanding belly is awe-inspiring.

And I find myself saying 'aww' frequently.

*()*()*

Life can change in the blink of an eye.

One minute, we're listening to the baby's heart beat on the monitor, Edward holding me up as I breathe through a contraction.

The next, I'm being wheeled down the hall, people moving around me frantically.

Something cold rushes through my IV line and then all I see is darkness.

I never even got to kiss Edward goodbye.

I never told him to take care of our child.

I never told him I loved him.

That he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

That his determination to be a better person was tremendous and inspired me.

As the fog clears, and I feel the pain in my throat and the numbness across my belly, I realize I will still get the chance to tell him all those things.

*()*()*

I can see that though Edward has faced countless trials and overcome tremendous struggles…

Telling me that I won't be able to have any more children is by far the hardest thing he has ever done.

The pain is brushed aside for the moment when he puts our child on my chest.

Our daughter.

Our Faith.

And although I know I'll need to deal with the fact that I'm now half a woman, the sweet-smelling bundle in my arms is a distraction I can't pass up.

*()*()*

The phantom flutters are the worst.

As I lay in bed, listening to the soothing sound of Edward snoring next to me and Faith's air purifier through the monitor, I place my hands on my belly and remember what it felt like to have little feet kicking.

And then I turn on my side and cry, because I'll never feel that again.

*()*()*

The bitter wind blowing through Bangor cuts right through me.

My heart aches being away from Edward and Faith.

I think if I hadn't been walking so slowly, I would have passed right by her.

Her muffled cough somehow makes its way through the howling wind and I see her face looking back at me.

Those big, gray eyes, filled with too much pain for someone so young met mine…and that was all it took.

*()*()*

Watching as Sara gave birth was overwhelming and yet completely heartbreaking.

The moment she saw him, I knew she couldn't give him up.

I've experienced the power of a mother's love.

There is no greater emotion.

Even Edward's voice through the phone line failed to calm me.

The only thing that could take away the pain was helping Sara care for her child.

He was so little.

His hair was so dark, so unlike Faith's reddish-blonde curls.

His eyes were dark as well.

And he was so breathtakingly beautiful.

Holding him in my arms when Sara was sleeping was a gift I will never be able to repay.

I could see the indecision and guilt in Sara's eyes when I handed him back to her.

She knew he would be better off with a family who could love and support him.

But she just couldn't give him up.

And that…I understood completely.

*()*()*

I let myself into the hotel room quietly, not sure if Sara and the baby were sleeping.

I unpacked the groceries I'd got at the store.

I dreaded the hotel bill when I finally went home, but Edward had assured me it was fine.

Thinking I'd catch a quick nap as well, I stopped just outside the bedroom door when I heard Sara's quiet voice coming from inside.

"I know you deserve a better life, little angel. I know I can't give you the things you need. But the thought of not being with you, of not seeing you grow up…I can't do it," she whispered, her voice cracking as she spoke to her son.

It was then that I knew what we had to do.

*()*()*

"Are you sure your husband will be okay with this? I mean…a baby I can understand, but why would he want to take in a teenager, too?" Sara asks for the third time since we crossed into Montana.

We'd been in the car for three days now, having to stop frequently to change and feed the baby.

We were about thirteen hours away from Seattle, and I was planning on driving straight through the night so I could finally see my family again.

"Sara, Edward is the kindest, most generous man I've ever met. I'm sure once you see him, you'll realize he is nothing more than a giant teddy bear," I reply, looking in the rearview mirror at our fussy little passenger.

I took a deep breath and prayed that my instincts were right and having a man like Edward in her life would change Sara's outlook.

Because there was no better example of what a man should be, than my Edward.

*()*()*

Holding Aiden _and _Faith in my arms was overwhelmingly perfect.

But knowing how frightened and uncomfortable Sara was made me cut our reunion short.

I wanted to get her settled.

And then I wanted to kiss my husband until he couldn't see straight.

How he knew to set up the crib in Sara's room, was beyond me.

He was always so thoughtful and intuitive.

I could only hope Sara would one day see him as the father figure she so desperately needed.

*()*()*

**Three Years Later**

"Can I…can I talk to Edward for a second?"

I turn and look at Sara standing in our bedroom doorway.

She's home for Christmas break.

It took some convincing, but we managed to get her to apply to New York Fashion Academy, conveniently located just two hours away in Seattle.

Her innate sense of fashion and ability to make something beautiful out of a pile of scraps was just too special to be ignored.

She was doing wonderfully in her classes and her professors had nothing but good things to say about her.

Not seeing Aiden everyday was hard on her, but we Skyped and he talked to her on the phone all the time.

He was happy his momma Sara was doing what she loved.

I watch as Edward follows her out into the hall and try not to get jealous that she wanted to speak to him and not me.

When he comes back in ten minutes later, red-cheeked and sweaty, I can't stop from giving him the third degree.

"There's a fashion show at her school and they need…they need," Edward says quietly, his hands shaking as he picks up a t-shirt and starts to fold it.

"Spit it out! What do they need?" I sigh dramatically, ripping the shirt out of his hands before he wrinkles it to death.

"They need models and she asked me," he mumbles, his cheeks flushing full-blown crimson.

"Aw baby! Look at you! They want you to model in their fashion show? That is amazing! And you were worried you had put on weight," I say, smacking him on the arm.

"I can't believe she wants me," he whispers, once again showing how insecure he still is after all these years.

I climb up onto the bed and hold his face in my palms.

"Edward Cullen, you are beautiful inside and out. Anyone that knows you, loves you. And I thank God every day that you came into my life."

Pressing my lips to his, I seal my words with a kiss.

When you love someone, it shouldn't matter what size jeans they wear.

What matters is how big their heart is.

And Edward Cullen…well his heart is a XXL.

* * *

><p><strong>The cheese factor at the end there is epic…but I couldn't help it.<strong>

**I'm so sad this is over…but so blessed that you came with me on this ride.**

**There are no words I can come up with that will show just how thankful I am for your support and love.**

**I love you isn't enough…but it's all I have.**

**Mwah!**


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